Finding My Way

It’s the first of the month and the bill paying routine has begun. Rent, electric, phone, water, insurance….the list goes on. As I sit and review my bank balances, budget and bills, I wonder how I got where I am. It feels like I am playing the Game of Life- college, get married, get a job, house, babies, retire.

I remember being in college and thinking that the world was a big, scary place.What would I do? Where would I go? Who would I meet?

In the blink of an eye, I became a part of that big, scary world by getting a job and paying taxes. Yet, at the same time, I still felt like that college girl who is not quite a part of society, but not a child. I still struggle with sorting out my feelings, needs and wants. When a need is not met, like eating or sleeping, I have trouble forming sentences,  processing thoughts or making rational decisions.

I feel so immature and child-like when something like that happens. Maybe it is just evolution taking over and my body working to survive but I still wonder, “Is this normal? Am I normal? Did my brain develop properly when I was growing up?”

I don’t know and I don’t know if I ever will. But I do know that I can change how I react. I know that I don’t like how I feel when I haven’t had enough rest or food. I can prepare for situations like those by having snacks and water, taking little breaks throughout the day to clear my mind and remembering what is important in the long run.


An Ode to Coffee

Oh coffee, the things you do for me.

Last week, my sleeping schedule was thrown off and turned upside down. “Ashley, your dad has been in an accident…” My mind froze and raced at the same time as my cousin explained that my dad was in a motorcycle accident and was  about to go into brain surgery and then ICU for the next two weeks. I immediately began packing in a numb stupor. The next day, I went to work, wrapped things up and began the 6 hour drive down to Corpus Christi.

Due to family issues, I was only allowed to visit my dad during the night visiting hours- 9pm to 6am. For a week, my schedule was reversed- awake at night, asleep during the day. After getting home, I tried to return to my regular schedule; I prepared myself for the week by laying out my clothes, packing my meals and planning dinner. I went to bed at my regular time and had no trouble falling asleep as I was exhausted.

Monday night was a different story. I tried everything I knew but my body would not fall asleep. For almost 36 hours, my brain just kept spinning. Caffeine became a necessity and sleep happened as soon as I got home.